im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
