you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize