some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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