I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
