You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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