I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
