my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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