Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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