I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
