A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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