Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
