mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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