Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
