I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
