Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize