I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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