Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
sarcasm needs its own font
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
