his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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