why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
