I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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