walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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