I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
