I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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