genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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