look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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