He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
