My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
