Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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