The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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