I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
