god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
