if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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