i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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