My liver just broke up with me...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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