If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
