Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
