He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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