My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Houston, we have a blender
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
