hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
