I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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