u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
