What a fucking waste of an outfit
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
