Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
