From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize