My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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