apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
