Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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