I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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