i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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