I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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