So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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