dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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