does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
