Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she smelled like a LAN party
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
