Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
