i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
