Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
