Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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