If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
