I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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