I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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