I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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