remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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