the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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